urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507 Smile...You're First... fallen507 2009-12-25T11:24:22Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507:55213 2009-12-25T11:24:22Z 2009-12-25T11:24:22Z I blame you for this <br />I blame you. It’s your fault for the way that I am. Take some responsibility<br />Show some dignity towards things<br />But who knows who knows.<br />Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m just fucked up in the head. <br />We all go down in the end<br />I think I’ll take you with me. I think I’ll take you<br />Oh baby, I won’t let this die. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507:54891 2009-12-07T03:43:49Z 2009-12-08T00:49:27Z The more I listen the more I realize that I’m drifted down that same path<br />The angelic hell I ran from<br />But what the fuck, we’re living fast and dying young<br />Done all I wanted to do and accepted death<br />Ride the stars<br />Fuck with mars<br />Ha-ha, the irony of my past and my future<br />What a condescending asshole you seemed to be<br />It’s ok, we’ll fall free<br />Shoot some release<br />Rail some lines<br />It’ll all be ok<br />Just let the feeling overtake you<br />Fall into the theory of time <br />The free-fall of space<br />Oh, how elegant is his face? Mr. Grim, you have no business here, but we can make room<br />We’ll let you in, let you free our minds<br />Oh! Fry till death. Sink to the ocean’s depths<br />We exist to serve you<br />Baby, that feels so nice, so right<br />Let the night take you away<br />Ride the stars<br />You can fire it up and pass it around<br />We don't mind, it's all love <br />All love for us<br />Just a little more till we hit the wall. Push it over the edge.<br />Oh wow. Perfection has never looked so sweet.<br />What a sweet release<br />No harm, see. Just lost my thoughts and my mind, oh but I don’t mind.<br />All up there. In the open. What a mesmerizing face you have?<br />Then it stops. We need more. Just a little more. <br />It’ll be ok. Just let the feeling overtake you. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507:54697 2009-11-30T11:17:05Z 2009-11-30T11:17:05Z I am not sure where most of my philosophy comes from <br />And I have no idea what my ideology actually is <br />Not really sure what I believe in <br />I can honestly say I’m terrified <br />But to stand on the sidelines and ignore the obvious would be ignorance <br />I can’t be bliss with this <br />I’ll leave once again and make it out I always do <br />Fall flat on my face and get off my ass <br />Only to stand back up and keep moving <br />So much has happened that is unexplainable <br />Nor do I care to go into details <br />Seems that the only reasonable way out of this solitude is… <br />Wait, I have no idea. <br />This limbo can’t get more complex <br />I hate to be a pessimist, but look where I stand… <br />On the edge, nervous, anxious and bed ridden. <br />This isn’t a way to live <br />Fuck this; I’m going to go smoke a cigarette urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507:54417 2009-11-30T11:16:04Z 2009-11-30T11:16:04Z Can you see? Those city lights are meant for me<br /><br />I need to get out of these small towns<br /><br />Can you see? Those spring streets, oh, they’re made for me<br /><br />And waking up with the sun blazing through, cocktail streams in my eyes<br /><br />Oh, and I’m sick of that terrible cry<br /><br />She can’t hear or feel you<br /><br />And I swear that I need you<br /><br />Just one touch or gaze<br /><br />And I’ll forever be fazed<br /><br />Just push me through, push me through urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507:54269 2009-11-30T11:15:50Z 2009-11-30T11:15:50Z Discontentment does not serve well.<br />It builds and builds, creating a wall sounding me. <br />Break it down, Oh baby, please. Just break me down. <br />You’ve done it before. I dare you to do it again.<br /><br />Doesn’t it hurt knowing that he doesn’t want you, doesn’t need you?<br />Can’t you see that this fragile shell of me has no common enemy?<br />Has no idea of how to play this war out urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507:53843 2009-11-09T12:52:45Z 2009-11-09T12:52:45Z I've come to a realization about my life: <br />1. I will travel the world <br />2. I will never be in the same place for more than 5 or 6 years <br />3. I will most likely leave a lot of people behind <br />4. I will make a name for myself <br />5. I will never want to depend on another for anything <br />6. The people I love now, I'll always love them and be there for them <br />7. I've accepted that I won't always have someone to hold me up when I need it the most <br />8. I want to help people with their lives <br />9. I will take pictures wherever I go <br />10. I just want to sing and write for the rest of my life urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507:53733 2009-11-09T12:52:30Z 2009-11-09T12:52:30Z Baby, let me be the one that you need <br />It’s too late for this <br />And I'm tired enough as it is <br />Will you let me be that one <br />That one you need urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507:53286 2009-11-09T12:51:58Z 2009-11-09T12:51:58Z I believe that everyone needs to break out from their box<br />From their circle of friends<br />From their families<br />From what they know<br />People need the chance to explore the world, to explore oneself<br />If we just stay the same and never let anything change us, better or worse<br />We will be forever trapped in who we were<br />We will never explore the possibility of who we could be. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507:53216 2009-11-09T12:51:14Z 2009-11-09T12:51:14Z Fuck it <br />Sobriety is pointless in the world we live in <br />There’s only so much you can do <br />And in the end, it doesn’t matter anyway <br />We’re still the same <br />Still the same mistake-ridden human race <br />Still bent on dying <br />It’s the inevitable and you can’t fight it <br />I will live how I want <br />You can’t continue to hold me back urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507:52766 2009-10-18T11:36:46Z 2009-10-18T11:36:46Z This is the starting line of something new<br />Something brand new<br />You’re here with me<br />I’m with you<br />We are one and then some<br />Fire and Ice<br />Schizophrenic and dazed<br />Bipolar and flustered with lust<br />Ohh… Sing me something sweet and this will be<br />The moment we lose control<br />With such heat and passion<br />What can this tension bring?<br />Sing me a lullaby and I’ll scream<br />With things you don’t want to hear<br />Unless this sexual frustration is taken out<br />You’ll be gone, you’ll be wrong<br />Oh, I’d laugh at that<br />This is the starting line of something new<br />Something brand new<br />Pick up that body, slam it against the wall<br />You know you want to, you know you got to<br />This can’t be all that I get, this can’t be all that is left<br />Oh, what a feeling of your skin<br />What an insane pleasure<br />I can’t sustain myself any longer<br />This is the starting line of something new<br />Something brand new urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507:52584 2009-10-16T10:19:00Z 2009-10-16T10:19:00Z I Love music to the point where it fills my soul with so much...God, words can't even describe this. I honestly would die if I didn't have this. My melodramatic sense of humor amazes me. But it’s late, and my thoughts are spinning. I'm filling out these surveys and debating whether or not if I want anyone to read this. But then again, my apathy kicks in and I'm in that state of consciousness where nothing matters. There's not a "pessimistic view" in this statement. Just the way I think at 3 in the morning. I can't eat, can't sleep. Can't even breathe without wanting to be alive in these words that I fill my head with. With these dreams that I put myself in. <br /><br />I don't know who I am anymore. Yet, I contradict myself by saying I've always known who I am. I live in song. Live in words. Live in beats and movement. I am not the prettiest girl. Nor the most brilliant. I am not the most talented, nor the specialist. Do I dare to say, "Dull"? I do not know. But I am here. I am human. I am not perfect and I am filled with mistakes and regrets. The only thing I know how to do is sing my soul and let these thoughts free in words or songs. What I would give to be ridden of this sense of structure. I would love to have a sensible form of escape. And here I find myself. Complaining about something that isn't really real. Something so insignificant that it has my subconscious keeping me up at night. <br /><br />Why does this even matter anyway? I can't tell nor do I really want to know. I mean, do you really want to hear why I am this way? Why I came to be the way I am now? No. So I will not explain. I am completely fine with being that one person you'll always go back to because you have no one else. In the long run, I know I'll be alone. We all are. In our minds and thoughts. Our bodies may collide in heats of passion and sexual tension, and I am completely fine with that. I'm fine with never having to discuss what happened. Never having to tell anyone while pretending that this was all some pretense to something else. Yes, I'm fine and dandy with that. It just doesn't matter to me because my apathy has just that much control over me. It really does, and it's a pity to say that. But I know the reason why these false images keep me up at night. Why I can't sleep, can't eat, can't make sense of a damn fucking thing. <br /><br />I want to know you. I want to be inside your head. I want to be lost in you. I just want you. And that scares the shit out of me. <br /><br />It's best if I live miles and miles away because it just doesn’t matter. It just isn't real. Although how much I would like it to be, my sense of pride and dignity won't let it happen. I refuse to go down the same path again. But these songs, these songs… they just keep me up into the late hours thinking of how much I've lost. The music, it keeps me driven. Keeps me sane because I know that somewhere I am not alone completely. Physically, yes. But emotionally, no, this is completely different. And Here I am. Writing this bullshit satire of my life. Wishing and wanting for every moment to be back where I was. Back to whom I was. Back to something that mattered. <br /><br />The stage lights up my life. It opens me up. Controls me. And I would rather be there than anywhere else in the world. Singing and dancing away this controlling addiction I have. Forgetting everything and anything because for one moment in my life, I can actually matter. I am something up there. The lights, the sounds, everything. It's just me. And I cannot be silent about this any longer.<br /><br />Oh! I wish you could see me up there Hun. You couldn't take your eyes away. And as I said before, I am not the prettiest, not the smartest, nor the most talented. But I am up there, and you can't rip your eyes from me. I won't let you. And this terrifies me. This is frightening me away. But does it even fucking matter? I can't see how it does. I can't see how I affect you at all. Not even a glimpse. You've closed yourself off and I can't try anymore. This is why music is my savior. It means everything to me. Absolutely everything. It is the air I breathe. The smoke I inhale. Just fucking everything. And I can't take it anymore. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507:52277 2009-10-12T01:46:23Z 2009-10-12T11:17:04Z If I could show you the world, I would.<br />If I could hold you in my arms while the city slept<br />I would.<br />If the world were to shun you and cast you out,<br />I'd be that hand that held you up.<br />I can’t keep returning to the past to solve my problems<br />But here I am.<br />Looking up old memories of who I used to be<br />Was that person better than the reflection that I look at now?<br />Maybe. Probably.<br />That person actually gave a shit about something<br />This one now, well this one doesn’t know who she is<br />Doesn’t know what she wants<br />But needs something that isn’t physically possible<br /><br />But baby, If I could stand you up and let those lights hit your eyes,<br />Then I'd be fine.<br />If I could lie in bed, pondering over the fact of how you are with me,<br />I'd be amazed.<br />And when the sun hits your face just right, the blue sinks back, and I can see a ring of auburn circling your pupil<br />And the world stands still… I am forever lost in you<br /><br /><br />Memories are bliss, but this happiness cannot find its place among me<br />My subconscious can’t let it go<br />I can’t let it go<br />I need to. I want to.<br />It's for the best.<br /><br />But here I find myself<br />Wishing that I could be who I was<br />Wishing that I could matter, even the slightest bit, to you<br /><br />My eyes, my reflection, my body has changed<br />I hate it<br />Hate that it makes me want to revisit those memories once more<br />In a slip of codeine I see you. See your face. See the wonderment that bestows me<br />But the dream fades, and I slowly wake up realizing that this soul hasn’t changed<br />Hasn’t wanted anything but you<br />I can't even feel without longing to revisit the past<br />How can I say that? My past was horrible<br />Bloody and bruised.<br />Violence and drugs.<br />But at least I knew who I was<br />Not this person in the mirror<br />My eyes have changed<br />My hair has changed<br />My body has changed<br />But my addictions remain constant<br />My wants and needs remain here<br /><br />If I could show you the world, I would.<br />If I could make any part of your life better, I would.<br />And If I could give you a reason to wake up in the morning,<br />God only knows how far I would go. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507:52177 2009-10-10T02:12:20Z 2009-10-10T02:12:20Z I don’t know what I want<br />But I need something that is unknown<br />This is too claustrophobic <br />Walls are caving in. My identify is clashed <br />I’ll be home soon<br />Does it make a difference? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507:51717 2009-10-06T07:05:02Z 2009-10-06T07:09:30Z My shell is open<br />My frame is cracked<br />Beyond repair, yes it is<br />Tip toeing through solid walls<br />Broken glass, blistered feet<br />Nothing to hold onto<br />But I just don’t care<br />I just don’t care<br /><br />The cars seem to stop<br />In time as the sun decides to set for the final rhyme<br />But I’ve got nothing, nothing<br />But I just don’t care, just don’t care<br /><br />It’d be nice if these memories weren’t so haunting<br />Twigs and paper cuts<br />Swings and sunken ruts<br />Abandoned by the stairwell<br />And wanting more of this<br />Hurt. More this awkward silence<br />It feels so right, so bright<br /><br />The lights have forever frozen by<br />Me and I just don’t care<br />I just don’t care<br />And I’m destroying what I love urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507:51636 2009-10-04T06:53:00Z 2009-10-09T08:54:13Z Moving forward in this parallel universe<br />Is this really the path I want?<br />Or am I still making up my mind?<br />So many roads to take and so many things I’d like to do<br />But I can’t seem to make up my mind<br />All is a part of this world and all is not<br />These things in life have no meaning unless we make it so<br />Moving on and thinking I want this<br />But I know I don’t<br />I know I don’t. <br />But all I have are the choices we make. <br /><br />And you fucked up. <br />Choked out and coked out.<br />Those eyes. Those eyes are haunting my mind urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507:51419 2009-09-27T18:47:42Z 2009-09-27T18:47:42Z I've realized that you have to let it all out somehow<br />Let it all out when you sing<br />When you dance<br />When you scream<br />Make the most of the moment<br />Live it up<br />Feel free and Love freely<br />Never conform<br />And never just be content with the way things are<br />And if you want something in life go out and take it<br />Make the most of who you are<br />And let change be the best thing that could ever happen urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507:50967 2009-09-21T10:56:13Z 2009-09-21T11:00:02Z I am in debt to the social norm<br />I cannot forgive myself for this<br />My fabricated soul cannot handle this<br />Break me; I need you to break me<br />I am at a loss for words<br />Loss for things to say<br />And meanings to speak<br />Here, take my hands and pull me into you<br />I want to hold you, feel you, need you<br />Skin on skin and words played softly upon these lips<br />Weakness of the conformity around me swallowed me whole<br />Contagious, oh baby, you’re so fuckin contagious<br />And I don’t know why I fight for you this way urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507:50755 2009-09-17T16:13:10Z 2009-09-17T16:13:10Z Who are we to tell the other what is right or wrong? <br />We’re all the same. <br />It shouldn’t matter <br />But here we are <br />Wrong and right <br />Equal and less <br />Fucked up till the end urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507:50448 2009-09-05T21:58:46Z 2009-09-05T21:58:46Z <a href="http://nitelifedesigns.com/index.php?ref=143&amp;affiliate_banner_id=7" target="_blank"><img src="http://nitelifedesigns.com/affiliate_show_banner.php?ref=143&amp;affiliate_banner_id=7" border="0" alt="NiteLife Designs2"></a> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507:50359 2009-08-26T11:45:42Z 2009-08-26T11:45:42Z If I cried myself to sleep tonight, would that be ok?<br />If the sky fell, and I collapsed beneath it; would the earth crumble in its wake?<br />I fear the unknown but I pull my wisdom from the best.<br />I cannot see and cannot think about what I am to do<br />Free falling<br />And trying to stand on my own two feet<br />Terrified that I'll end up as another office drone<br />Hopeful that my life will somehow mean more than this<br />I've been through things.<br />Horrible things.<br />No person should ever have to experience them<br />But I'm trying to take what I've learnt from them and pass my knowledge onto others.<br />My art. My music. My life.<br />Do I even have a passion?<br />I will send in my refusal to conform like the rest and it will be on your desk<br />I'd rather break my hands and crawls with the cockroaches than become you<br />So much emotion building up inside<br />And when it bursts,<br />Which one will be first to break loose?<br />My anxiety has settled in and my insomnia is forcibly forbidding me to sleep<br />Sandcastles and crystal beaches are what I long to dream<br />But the sanity of this has been drained<br />I do not know where I stand<br />And the hand I held onto let me free urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507:50119 2009-08-21T03:00:09Z 2009-08-21T03:00:09Z The sweet castles of dreams and lands cannot abide by my loneliness<br />Kills it each morning and each night<br />Brings solitude like a vast monsoon, sweeping across the land<br />Oh, how I wish I where thee, far off and safe<br />Far off and free of all these thoughts and rhythmic heart beats.<br />The sweet dreams of the Neverlands have conquered me<br />And I seek love's gate constantly<br />Wishing that this plague of loneliness won't overtake me much longer<br />But I fall into blackness, drowning in my own demise.<br /><br />-Me urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507:49769 2009-08-21T02:59:28Z 2009-08-21T02:59:28Z Sand castles and summer skies, with nights so bright the stars fail to shine. <br />You are me and I am you. <br />We are one. Forever young.<br />Missing you and missing me. <br />Wishing that something could be. <br />Is there even a slight possibility? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507:49524 2009-08-17T13:57:51Z 2009-08-18T12:22:30Z Can't sleep.<br />And these incoherent thoughts I keep having keep drifting me into a state of insanity.<br />Is this because I haven't slept in weeks?<br />Possibly.<br />Maybe it's because my life is changing in 10 days.<br />It's the day I've been waiting for. My escape and my release.<br />But I'm absolutely terrified that I'll fall and never pull myself back up<br />I mean, I've done it before. What makes this time any different?<br />Possibly because I purposely pushed myself into solitude; which is to the point where I can't even look at the people here without resenting who I am.<br />I want this change because I cannot stand another day with this ignorance all around me.<br />They all seem to ignore the thought of "What could be?"<br />“Family is always there for you.”<br />Ha! Don’t make me laugh at that ridiculous statement! Never, once in my 18 years on this earth have I ever received any help from a family member. In fact, they are the ones filling my head with doubts of my future. Doubts of my art. Thoughts of paranoia, and making the situation at hand even worse!<br />Honestly, family may be for some, but I cannot stand ever hearing the statement that, "you'll have a better relationship in the future because you won't be around each other much longer."<br />I pushed myself away so I would never have to face their arrogance and ignorance ever again in my life. I cannot stand the way that my opinion is out-casted with every decision that is made about my own future. I didn't even choose this path. This road that is being forced down my throat. Swallow whole! Or you'll fall on you're ass!<br />Lord! I swear, this solitude has at least shown me that people are just horrible savages in nature. They only care about themselves, no matter how deceptive and manipulative they are towards others. It’s always there, in the back of their mind. Just waiting to strike.<br />God! I'm just so sick of these doubts clouding my mind and my judgment that I can't even sit down to play my piano anymore without thinking that I have some how screwed something else up.<br />Is that all I am? Just another junkie-screw up?<br />The path of sobriety is not something I think I'll ever actually walk down. This is not for the sake of needing it; but more or so the need to actually feel some emotion other than the apathy my body allows me to feel. It’s that, rather than feel out of control.<br />I swear, these thoughts can hardly mean anything anyway.<br />It's just my anxiety getting the better of me; and the fear of failing and never recovering has seeped its way into my mind.<br />God, I need to sleep. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507:49217 2009-08-09T12:57:44Z 2009-08-09T12:57:44Z This is a modification that has been bestowed upon me<br />A change that I’m not sure how to handle just yet<br />This is something that I’ve wanted for years<br />Needed for years.<br />My source of light during those dark ages that are still too wretched to speak of.<br />It has been my dawn, and this life I lead now has set out to be my dusk.<br /><br />All so sudden. I thought I would have more time<br />But Time seems to play its own game<br />And I am just a mere puppet for its amusement<br />Is it safe to say that I still want this? After everything that has happened?<br />This movement that is so nerve wrecking<br />It has me up till the late morning hours<br />Contemplating that never ending question, “What is to become of me?”<br /><br />My pride has gotten the better of me in the past, but I swear can admit this now.<br />This new inception that has me so startled is creeping its way quickly into my life.<br />Time’s run out.<br /><br />And I’m terrified.<br />Terrified of this new beginning and this old ending.<br />It should just be another chapter in my book,<br />Another title along a page<br />But it feels like death has struck me down<br /><br />And all I can do is sit and shake.<br />Sit and shake.<br />Contemplating that never ending question, “What is to become of me?” urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fallen507:48903 2009-07-31T11:05:48Z 2009-07-31T11:22:22Z An addict is an addict. Or so, that is what we’d like to say.<br />But what is an addict? A person that is addicted?<br />A person that needs and wants and craves for things that normality labels as “narcotics?”<br />What makes them an addict? And do they even care? Do we even care?<br />Walk along the same road as them<br />You’ll see…<br />We’ll all see…<br />There’s no “us and them” concept. Just what we can do to get by. And in the meantime, something that makes you feel good. Or feel high. Or happy. Or needed. Or anything of the unattainable. <br />I know that high, strung-out, prospering feeling<br />I get it from these drugs of mine<br />Help me feel<br />Help me want<br />Help me need<br />Otherwise, apathy would have its win against me<br />What makes an addict and addict? Money, sex and all of the above?<br />Is there such a thing?