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[30 Nov 2009|03:17am] |
I am not sure where most of my philosophy comes from
And I have no idea what my ideology actually is
Not really sure what I believe in
I can honestly say I’m terrified
But to stand on the sidelines and ignore the obvious would be ignorance
I can’t be bliss with this
I’ll leave once again and make it out I always do
Fall flat on my face and get off my ass
Only to stand back up and keep moving
So much has happened that is unexplainable
Nor do I care to go into details
Seems that the only reasonable way out of this solitude is…
Wait, I have no idea.
This limbo can’t get more complex
I hate to be a pessimist, but look where I stand…
On the edge, nervous, anxious and bed ridden.
This isn’t a way to live
Fuck this; I’m going to go smoke a cigarette
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[30 Nov 2009|03:16am] |
Can you see? Those city lights are meant for me
I need to get out of these small towns
Can you see? Those spring streets, oh, they’re made for me
And waking up with the sun blazing through, cocktail streams in my eyes
Oh, and I’m sick of that terrible cry
She can’t hear or feel you
And I swear that I need you
Just one touch or gaze
And I’ll forever be fazed
Just push me through, push me through
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[30 Nov 2009|03:15am] |
Discontentment does not serve well.
It builds and builds, creating a wall sounding me.
Break it down, Oh baby, please. Just break me down.
You’ve done it before. I dare you to do it again.
Doesn’t it hurt knowing that he doesn’t want you, doesn’t need you?
Can’t you see that this fragile shell of me has no common enemy?
Has no idea of how to play this war out
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| 10 Facts I've learnt |
[09 Nov 2009|04:52am] |
I've come to a realization about my life:
1. I will travel the world
2. I will never be in the same place for more than 5 or 6 years
3. I will most likely leave a lot of people behind
4. I will make a name for myself
5. I will never want to depend on another for anything
6. The people I love now, I'll always love them and be there for them
7. I've accepted that I won't always have someone to hold me up when I need it the most
8. I want to help people with their lives
9. I will take pictures wherever I go
10. I just want to sing and write for the rest of my life
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| working on this |
[09 Nov 2009|04:52am] |
Baby, let me be the one that you need
It’s too late for this
And I'm tired enough as it is
Will you let me be that one
That one you need
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| 3 Futures |
[09 Nov 2009|04:51am] |
I believe that everyone needs to break out from their box
From their circle of friends
From their families
From what they know
People need the chance to explore the world, to explore oneself
If we just stay the same and never let anything change us, better or worse
We will be forever trapped in who we were
We will never explore the possibility of who we could be.
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| Humm |
[09 Nov 2009|04:50am] |
Fuck it
Sobriety is pointless in the world we live in
There’s only so much you can do
And in the end, it doesn’t matter anyway
We’re still the same
Still the same mistake-ridden human race
Still bent on dying
It’s the inevitable and you can’t fight it
I will live how I want
You can’t continue to hold me back
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[18 Oct 2009|04:36am] |
This is the starting line of something new
Something brand new
You’re here with me
I’m with you
We are one and then some
Fire and Ice
Schizophrenic and dazed
Bipolar and flustered with lust
Ohh… Sing me something sweet and this will be
The moment we lose control
With such heat and passion
What can this tension bring?
Sing me a lullaby and I’ll scream
With things you don’t want to hear
Unless this sexual frustration is taken out
You’ll be gone, you’ll be wrong
Oh, I’d laugh at that
This is the starting line of something new
Something brand new
Pick up that body, slam it against the wall
You know you want to, you know you got to
This can’t be all that I get, this can’t be all that is left
Oh, what a feeling of your skin
What an insane pleasure
I can’t sustain myself any longer
This is the starting line of something new
Something brand new
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| 3 AM |
[16 Oct 2009|03:18am] |
I Love music to the point where it fills my soul with so much...God, words can't even describe this. I honestly would die if I didn't have this. My melodramatic sense of humor amazes me. But it’s late, and my thoughts are spinning. I'm filling out these surveys and debating whether or not if I want anyone to read this. But then again, my apathy kicks in and I'm in that state of consciousness where nothing matters. There's not a "pessimistic view" in this statement. Just the way I think at 3 in the morning. I can't eat, can't sleep. Can't even breathe without wanting to be alive in these words that I fill my head with. With these dreams that I put myself in.
I don't know who I am anymore. Yet, I contradict myself by saying I've always known who I am. I live in song. Live in words. Live in beats and movement. I am not the prettiest girl. Nor the most brilliant. I am not the most talented, nor the specialist. Do I dare to say, "Dull"? I do not know. But I am here. I am human. I am not perfect and I am filled with mistakes and regrets. The only thing I know how to do is sing my soul and let these thoughts free in words or songs. What I would give to be ridden of this sense of structure. I would love to have a sensible form of escape. And here I find myself. Complaining about something that isn't really real. Something so insignificant that it has my subconscious keeping me up at night.
Why does this even matter anyway? I can't tell nor do I really want to know. I mean, do you really want to hear why I am this way? Why I came to be the way I am now? No. So I will not explain. I am completely fine with being that one person you'll always go back to because you have no one else. In the long run, I know I'll be alone. We all are. In our minds and thoughts. Our bodies may collide in heats of passion and sexual tension, and I am completely fine with that. I'm fine with never having to discuss what happened. Never having to tell anyone while pretending that this was all some pretense to something else. Yes, I'm fine and dandy with that. It just doesn't matter to me because my apathy has just that much control over me. It really does, and it's a pity to say that. But I know the reason why these false images keep me up at night. Why I can't sleep, can't eat, can't make sense of a damn fucking thing.
I want to know you. I want to be inside your head. I want to be lost in you. I just want you. And that scares the shit out of me.
It's best if I live miles and miles away because it just doesn’t matter. It just isn't real. Although how much I would like it to be, my sense of pride and dignity won't let it happen. I refuse to go down the same path again. But these songs, these songs… they just keep me up into the late hours thinking of how much I've lost. The music, it keeps me driven. Keeps me sane because I know that somewhere I am not alone completely. Physically, yes. But emotionally, no, this is completely different. And Here I am. Writing this bullshit satire of my life. Wishing and wanting for every moment to be back where I was. Back to whom I was. Back to something that mattered.
The stage lights up my life. It opens me up. Controls me. And I would rather be there than anywhere else in the world. Singing and dancing away this controlling addiction I have. Forgetting everything and anything because for one moment in my life, I can actually matter. I am something up there. The lights, the sounds, everything. It's just me. And I cannot be silent about this any longer.
Oh! I wish you could see me up there Hun. You couldn't take your eyes away. And as I said before, I am not the prettiest, not the smartest, nor the most talented. But I am up there, and you can't rip your eyes from me. I won't let you. And this terrifies me. This is frightening me away. But does it even fucking matter? I can't see how it does. I can't see how I affect you at all. Not even a glimpse. You've closed yourself off and I can't try anymore. This is why music is my savior. It means everything to me. Absolutely everything. It is the air I breathe. The smoke I inhale. Just fucking everything. And I can't take it anymore.
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[11 Oct 2009|06:46pm] |
If I could show you the world, I would.
If I could hold you in my arms while the city slept
I would.
If the world were to shun you and cast you out,
I'd be that hand that held you up.
I can’t keep returning to the past to solve my problems
But here I am.
Looking up old memories of who I used to be
Was that person better than the reflection that I look at now?
Maybe. Probably.
That person actually gave a shit about something
This one now, well this one doesn’t know who she is
Doesn’t know what she wants
But needs something that isn’t physically possible
But baby, If I could stand you up and let those lights hit your eyes,
Then I'd be fine.
If I could lie in bed, pondering over the fact of how you are with me,
I'd be amazed.
And when the sun hits your face just right, the blue sinks back, and I can see a ring of auburn circling your pupil
And the world stands still… I am forever lost in you
Memories are bliss, but this happiness cannot find its place among me
My subconscious can’t let it go
I can’t let it go
I need to. I want to.
It's for the best.
But here I find myself
Wishing that I could be who I was
Wishing that I could matter, even the slightest bit, to you
My eyes, my reflection, my body has changed
I hate it
Hate that it makes me want to revisit those memories once more
In a slip of codeine I see you. See your face. See the wonderment that bestows me
But the dream fades, and I slowly wake up realizing that this soul hasn’t changed
Hasn’t wanted anything but you
I can't even feel without longing to revisit the past
How can I say that? My past was horrible
Bloody and bruised.
Violence and drugs.
But at least I knew who I was
Not this person in the mirror
My eyes have changed
My hair has changed
My body has changed
But my addictions remain constant
My wants and needs remain here
If I could show you the world, I would.
If I could make any part of your life better, I would.
And If I could give you a reason to wake up in the morning,
God only knows how far I would go.
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| Home Soon |
[09 Oct 2009|07:11pm] |
I don’t know what I want
But I need something that is unknown
This is too claustrophobic
Walls are caving in. My identify is clashed
I’ll be home soon
Does it make a difference?
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| WIP |
[06 Oct 2009|12:04am] |
My shell is open
My frame is cracked
Beyond repair, yes it is
Tip toeing through solid walls
Broken glass, blistered feet
Nothing to hold onto
But I just don’t care
I just don’t care
The cars seem to stop
In time as the sun decides to set for the final rhyme
But I’ve got nothing, nothing
But I just don’t care, just don’t care
It’d be nice if these memories weren’t so haunting
Twigs and paper cuts
Swings and sunken ruts
Abandoned by the stairwell
And wanting more of this
Hurt. More this awkward silence
It feels so right, so bright
The lights have forever frozen by
Me and I just don’t care
I just don’t care
And I’m destroying what I love
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[03 Oct 2009|11:52pm] |
Moving forward in this parallel universe
Is this really the path I want?
Or am I still making up my mind?
So many roads to take and so many things I’d like to do
But I can’t seem to make up my mind
All is a part of this world and all is not
These things in life have no meaning unless we make it so
Moving on and thinking I want this
But I know I don’t
I know I don’t.
But all I have are the choices we make.
And you fucked up.
Choked out and coked out.
Those eyes. Those eyes are haunting my mind
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| My thoughts for the day |
[27 Sep 2009|11:46am] |
I've realized that you have to let it all out somehow
Let it all out when you sing
When you dance
When you scream
Make the most of the moment
Live it up
Feel free and Love freely
Never conform
And never just be content with the way things are
And if you want something in life go out and take it
Make the most of who you are
And let change be the best thing that could ever happen
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[21 Sep 2009|03:56am] |
I am in debt to the social norm
I cannot forgive myself for this
My fabricated soul cannot handle this
Break me; I need you to break me
I am at a loss for words
Loss for things to say
And meanings to speak
Here, take my hands and pull me into you
I want to hold you, feel you, need you
Skin on skin and words played softly upon these lips
Weakness of the conformity around me swallowed me whole
Contagious, oh baby, you’re so fuckin contagious
And I don’t know why I fight for you this way
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[17 Sep 2009|09:12am] |
Who are we to tell the other what is right or wrong?
We’re all the same.
It shouldn’t matter
But here we are
Wrong and right
Equal and less
Fucked up till the end
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[05 Sep 2009|02:58pm] |
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[26 Aug 2009|04:43am] |
If I cried myself to sleep tonight, would that be ok?
If the sky fell, and I collapsed beneath it; would the earth crumble in its wake?
I fear the unknown but I pull my wisdom from the best.
I cannot see and cannot think about what I am to do
Free falling
And trying to stand on my own two feet
Terrified that I'll end up as another office drone
Hopeful that my life will somehow mean more than this
I've been through things.
Horrible things.
No person should ever have to experience them
But I'm trying to take what I've learnt from them and pass my knowledge onto others.
My art. My music. My life.
Do I even have a passion?
I will send in my refusal to conform like the rest and it will be on your desk
I'd rather break my hands and crawls with the cockroaches than become you
So much emotion building up inside
And when it bursts,
Which one will be first to break loose?
My anxiety has settled in and my insomnia is forcibly forbidding me to sleep
Sandcastles and crystal beaches are what I long to dream
But the sanity of this has been drained
I do not know where I stand
And the hand I held onto let me free
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| 6 Am again |
[20 Aug 2009|07:59pm] |
The sweet castles of dreams and lands cannot abide by my loneliness
Kills it each morning and each night
Brings solitude like a vast monsoon, sweeping across the land
Oh, how I wish I where thee, far off and safe
Far off and free of all these thoughts and rhythmic heart beats.
The sweet dreams of the Neverlands have conquered me
And I seek love's gate constantly
Wishing that this plague of loneliness won't overtake me much longer
But I fall into blackness, drowning in my own demise.
-Me
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[20 Aug 2009|07:59pm] |
Sand castles and summer skies, with nights so bright the stars fail to shine.
You are me and I am you.
We are one. Forever young.
Missing you and missing me.
Wishing that something could be.
Is there even a slight possibility?
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